Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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