god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
