she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize