You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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