It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You pole danced in your parka.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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