my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
