Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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