I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
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It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
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