Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
