Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
