idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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