He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
