I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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