just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
