watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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