I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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