This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
