get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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