Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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