I am spending my child support on dildos
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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