my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
