My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
