I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
