I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
