my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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