wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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