I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
