The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
