genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I want a musical about memes.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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