please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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