At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
