my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
