return my video game
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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