Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
