Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
