I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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