I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
