Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
