And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
