You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
