It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
