"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
