thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
