you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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