i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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