Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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