its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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