Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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