We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I want her autograph on my taint
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.