ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.