final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
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I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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