maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
