Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
