i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
