and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
