I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He has the fingertips of a God
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