dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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