I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
