tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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