my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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