It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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