the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
